I start now because if I don’t, then I never will. Procrastination and overthinking are my two biggest enemies. I want to help others, yet I can’t even help myself. Luckily, I learnt I don’t have to, for I have Him. My Lord Almighty, Lord of the ages, Creator of the Heavens, the universe, the skies, the earth and all things in them. The One atemporal.

I am leaving this as a legacy, for one day, someone will come across it, and perhaps it will help them in turn.

Hi, I am Elisha. I have been called to write from ever since I can remember, and I never started. Tell a lie, I remember world-building, when I was 14, for a story I never told, and never will. It was about seven mermaids, but with celestial names. But that’s all I remember. Do what you will with that, perhaps write your own story. However, I wish to tell of another, more worthy of my words, of One Eternal and Everlasting, whose Wisdom, Love and Grace know no bounds. My time may be short, but with Him, I will no longer be bound by the chains of this world.

Every day, He is reminding me of who I am, and how He sees me, and convicts me, and refines me, and trains me, and cares for me. Every day, I am grateful for His immeasurable kindness and grace, of which I no longer wish to take for granted. I may slip, but He doesn’t let me fall. And if I fall, He picks me back and says “try again”, “one more time”. It’s as if I am learning to walk again, as I did when I was a toddler. And He is there, a gentle, patient parent. One I never had and always longed to have. I never knew kindness or patience such as this, but it is possible, and He is showing me it is possible. He is renewing my mind, after having renewed my heart. The spirit who dwelled in me had been imprisoned and buried, yet never died. It was screaming from the depths of my heart, “LET ME OUT!”; so I went to Him, in pieces, on my knees, begging for help because I did not know how to handle the pain, how to get over the pain, how to put myself back together. This time, I had been crushed, defeated.

“I’m sorry, I have nothing to give You, only a broken heart”, I cried out.

“That is all I want. For I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh”, He whispered.

I initially did not hear Him in between my loud sobs. Yet He kept His word, He gave me a new heart. And now I am learning to look after it, I need to believe it. I struggle with belief daily. Not because I don’t trust Him or His work within me, but because my mind had always been my biggest enemy. After years of conditioning (i.e. bullying, chaotic upbringing), leading me to believe that I am worthless, unloved and unworthy of love, and so that I should “end it all” (and pondered and attempted this many times), it is the hardest thing to reach that point, over night. Finding myself in a season of wilderness, I said that if no one else loves me, at least God does. That if no one else wants me, at least God does. That if no one else understands me, at least He does. And this is turn made me will to do His will, that is, to seek Him out and obey His commandments. My heart may be transformed, but my mind is still undergoing transformation, as the neurological conditioning must be reset, and that takes time.

After all, I am souly human.